The Stone Snake

It began with basketball...

I was playing ball on the courts of the University just across the street, marveling at China: the country infatuated with basketball, the NBA, and Kobe. There are 30 hoops at this court in Beijing and there are always 8 or more guys to a hoop, everyday. China is a basketball factory. But thankfully for me, the average height is at my nipples, so I have a slight rebounding advantage. Anyway, I joined some guys and made friends. It is so easy to make friends here in China, it's almost like reverse racism - because I'm tall and white, therefore I'm cool - this theory is flawed however. But, I can use this reverse racism to make friends and offer them a little Water. (It is so much more fun and effective to do outreach hoop to hoop instead of door to door...) So I end up making friends with these two guys named Tony and Larry. We agree to meet the next day for ball then dinner. Needless to say, I'm rather pumped to have made my first Chinese friends. Finally doing what I've only imagined for countless hours.

So we meet the next day, hoop it up, then head to a restaurant in an aura of stink and sweat and smiles. We end up eating at a pretty schnazzy place where the specialty is hot pot: a traditional way of eating where there is a copper cauldron with boiling water within. One grabs veggies and thinly sliced pieces of lamb with chopsticks and drops the raw cargo into the boiling water. Wait till it is cooked, fetch your food and dip it into a glorious sesame paste and gobble with pleasure. It was fantastic; not only a culinary adventure but also a cultural experience. The hot pot, a community cooker where everyone eats from the common copper cauldron is the image of the Chinese mentality of we over me, community over individuality. I guess you can analyze people’s values by how they eat.

What I do know for certain is that I love to eat. I think I could eat for 24 hours straight – nothing fast, but a slow methodical motion of spooning Blueberry Morning bathed in 2% milk to my mouth. This is my idea of heaven…

Enough about food (I sound like Gaffigan).

As we’re eating Werner comments, “I think we’re going to the Great Wall tomorrow.” (We have a really gravy teaching schedule right now – only 10 hours a week and no class on Thursdays. Gravy indeed.) Not 1.36 seconds after Werner says this when Larry responds, “I can take you there. I’ll borrow my mom’s car. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow. Let’s go.” I’m speechless. We’ve bonded as friends for maybe a total of 4.7 hours and he’s offering to borrow his mom’s car and take two gringos to a place he’s been twice before. That is mind-boggling friendship right there. (What Larry didn’t tell us is that he lied to his mom. She made him promise that he wouldn’t drive on the highways, so he told her we were just driving around Beijing.) So Werner and I make sure this is no fluke, but Larry is no fluke-er. So we climbed into his mom’s car the next morning at 10:49 with his friend Ted in the passenger seat (we’ve never met, but he’s wearing a sweet Abraham Lincoln shirt – which is a proven way to make a great first impression) and Larry behind the wheel. And off we go to explore the Great Wall.

Before we can glimpse at greatness we must first eat it. Larry has been raving about this fish found northeast of Beijing, so we stop for lunch and gorge ourselves on the most delicious vittles this side of the Mississippi: trout (spicy enough to make you respect it, but not to the point of tears), chicken feet, and other fascinating dishes that sound like a stifled sneeze. Larry and Ted paid despite our protests. Eastern hospitality…

As the climb out of the car and begin our ascent to the wall I realize, “I’m in China. I’m about to see something I’ve only read about or seen in a book or on a screen.” This is where legendry is unveiled before mortal eyes. So as we climb these stairs I spot a stony snake along the teeth of the mountain; an ancient stone vertebrae lining the ridge – there is no beginning and no end. It is.

We reach the Wall.

No more pictures or postcards. This is it. The most famous structure built by a thousand nameless men a thousand years ago who are now dust, ordered by a majestically proud Emperor now dust, conquered my Mongol warriors now dust, and here we stand – 21^st century men inhaling greatness that is quickly becoming dust now shrouded in smog.

The Larry tells us that this section of the Wall was restored in 1998ish, so it’s not original. It was one of those countless times in this earthly trek when you realize that the truth is merely a lie with makeup on; but it’s still kind of cool to experience the lie. This is the human experience: exploring the lies until the Truth is revealed.

We hiked for about two hours, Ted and Larry being as patient as can be as the gringos are snapping pictures and gawking like … gringos.

The crumbling stone snake – ruler of these hills is being reclaimed by these hills. The original wall was in the distance, I could see it overgrown by trees and bushes – being conquered not my Mongol invaders but Nature’s green warriors. It was kind of a cool sight: man, try as you will, but nothing lasts. Not even this legendary masterpiece, the green army is on the move.

We slid down from the Wall. There is a silver slide that twists and turns downhill in ear-popping fashion. It was a blast. Definitely the most fun I ever had descending from the Great Wall.

True Story.

- m -