When you live a world away, and your family is an ocean away - you
adapt.
This new world becomes your new home. Your group of friends becomes your new family.
Let me introduce my Beijing family to you: here are some factoids about FOC Beijing – a crew with sass, class, linguistic talent, and an undying love for sharing the Water parched people. Let it be known that some facts listed below are mere figments of the author’s imagination – but that only magnifies his love for them. Here they are:
JON BARE
Alias: Bare Bare, JB, J-Business, Man of the Cloth
4.7 year veteran
Jon is our fearless leader. A man who loves Jesus, experimenting with facial hair, the Chinese language, Kashmir sweaters, castles, and his bride-to-be: Kim. Bare Bare recently moved to Gotham City (just down the street from the Cloister – where Micah, Ted, and Matt live) and is getting the place ready for his mate – sort of like a papa grizzly bear getting the den ready for the female, rearranging the brambles and rocks in a cozy yet manly décor. I couldn’t ask for a better shepherd, mentor, and friend.
P.S. – Hearing Bare speak Zhong wen is like listening to a babbling brook in the Rockies, or like the London Philharmonic Orchestra, or like Barry Manilow belting out “All the Small Things.”
KIM LEMPKE
Alias: The Kim, Kimothy, Jasmine
4 year veteran
Kimothy is Bare’s bride-to-be and is busy planning a wedding a world away. Kim is a very talented camel jockey and has aspirations of pursuing her love of racing camels by bringing the sport to America. We don’t understand this dream of hers, but we applaud it nonetheless. Kim is going to be a great Mom, I know this because she is sort of like my Beijing Mom – she takes care of me.
TERRI RUST
Alias: Rust Mama, Mama Rust, Mama Rust Mama
5 year veteran
Terri is practically Chinese (her 6th year I believe). She is a phenomenal cook (her applesauce provoked a lunar eclipse it was so good) and does a hilarious impression of an elderly Chinese Grandma slapping her back in the park. She is witty and genuine – a pretty sweet combination.
HANNAH BOUGHTON
Alias: Bonan (said with a French accent, because its French for “banana”), Hannah Baudzi
6 year veteran
Hannah speaks French, she speaks Mandarin, she runs her own school, she has run a marathon, she leads seven studies a week, she is freakily talented and super busy. I think this is her 6th year in China so she’s practically Chinese too. Hannah is a true missionary, a true leader, and a true friend.
JOSH(UA) VICK
Alias: JV, J-Visness, J-Vizzle, The Rabbit Whisperer, The Old Testament
6 year veteran
Oh, JV – how I could type pages and pages, but alas a few scant paragraphs will have to do. JV is practically Chinese also who is never seen without his blue booties. He’s trying to set a new trend, we think it looks a bit weird but are loving and supportive of his dream to change the world. JV is the proud owner of a rabbit. His reputation as a rabbit whisperer is growing by the second. JV is also our Old Testament scholar. He is a humble, talented, and addicted to Orange drink.
THEADORE RATTEI
Alias: the Ted, Tedison, Tedisphere, Tedwick, the Skipper, Ar bei leo, The Milkman, T-time, T-magic, T-bone, T-money, T-thunder, T-tot, T-biscuit, T-jemima, T-harry, T-potter, T-fodder, T-lightning, T-lemonade, T-marmelaid, T-pro, T-major, T-general, T-colonel, T-frigid, T-waters, T-mama, T-papa, T-foo, T-helen, T-keller, T-hottie, T-button, T-mutton, T-cheddar, T-cash, T-skip, T-butter, T-plum, T-orange, T-kilowatt, T-bear, T-mobile, T-estosterone, T-pot, T-party, T-pod, etc…
2 year veteran
Ted is the man that get things done. Need something fixed, T-hammer is your man. Need some milk, T-udder is your man. Ted has transformed the Cloister into a livable and loveable abode thanks to Ikea and his Apple connections. Ted has a unique gift for rapping and defiling classic Lutheran songs – he does not hide this gift under a bushel basket. Theadore’s Mandarin skills are budding, but not as quickly as his rapping career. Ted is comic relief, technology guru, passport papa, a cooking fiend, a rapping Norwegian, a facial hair entrepreneur, and a man who knows no fear and no stranger. Without T-biscuit the Cloister, Beijing, and China would have less Apple products and less joy.
AMBER SCHLOMER
Alias: Schlom-dog-millionare
2 year veteran
Amber is probably the only FOC Beijinger who is always on time. She recently celebrated a birthday that coincided with Reformation Day (coincidence…I think not). Amber and I recently came up with the idea of a Bible Bomb – a passage that blows apart the wall that satan tries to construct in our lives. She’s currently filing for a patent.
TIM MALCHOW
Alias: The Professor, the Soviet Cucumber
8 week rookie
The Professor came to Beijing a week later than everyone else – it was like calling Babe Ruth to pinch hit, or getting MJ off the bench. The Professor can speak Russian and has an uncanny gift for accuracy with a laser (maybe that is because of his time in the “Fuscia Daggers” – Russia’s version of the Navy Seals). The Professor’s new life mantra is, “Why not?” and it is this attitude of classy recklessness that we adore.
WONG HO YI
Alias: Ruby, the Rube, Mei Mei, Rubster, Rapunzel 1, the Gem of Beijing
9 week rookie
Ruby’s Cantonese name is literally translated, “cute and brittle.” She can twist an ankle better than anyone in the Beijing family but no one is more selfless, dripping with joy, or fashionable (although JV with the blue booties comes pretty darn close). Ruby’s favorite saying is, “Yo Ma Ma” or “Ma Ma Yo.” We are still befuddled as to what this means but we just smile and giggle. Ruby is the gem of Beijing who is impossible not to love.
DANIELLE WEBER
Alias: Cruella DeVille, Rapunzel 2, Deutchland, Dani, Dirty D
9 week rookie
Dani is our video aficionado; she is the Steven Spielberg of blue collar, touristy, low-budget, homemade movies. Dani introduced our FOC Family to Antoine Dodson – a Reformation to remember “homeboy.” Dani adds class, sophistication, blondeness, boldness, and honesty to our clan.
BECCA BALGE
Alias: Beccs, Rapunzel 3, Connie Winters
9 week rookie
Becca is the Aryan representative from our group. Some might say that this would detract from her effectiveness as a witness – on the contrary people flock to her like the salmon of Capistrano. Becca is the colonel of the party planning committee, thus giving unfettered authority and security access into the unknown and secret files. Becca is the human definition of Christmas, wit, and frosting making.
MATTHEW JAMISON WERNER
Alias: Donnie Darko, Wernike, Matt,
9 week rookie
Matt is in the process of reforming his formerly polychromic ways into more of a time-fearing, watch-glancing citizen. However, this young idealistic pursuit is being thwarted by a society where 15 minutes late is considered early. Also his current bike, affectionately named, “the Piece” is even worse and more decrepit than his first bike known by all as, “Hot Sauce.” Matt’s athleticism and chiseled body combine to make him the ideal basketball evangelist. To teach and live with this man is a constant adventure because he has the uncanny gift for making something monotonous unforgettable. He is a friend worth imitating.
MICAH RICKE
Alias: the Mistress, Excellent Rice, Yo Yo Ma, Colt McCoy
9 week rookie
Micah’s dream of bringing Kramer to China is hitting a rough spot. It seems that his humor, which is hardly understood by his American compatriots is even more confusing to his Chinese friends. Micah’s Spanish skills do him no good in Beijing and his knowledge of Mandarin characters is south of pathetic – he can only read, “chuan” and “entrance.” But he hopes that with a smile and a “giddiup…” he can leave a wake in this far off land.
