Chinglish of the Week

This was the advertisement for an apartment I saw in the subway...

How could you say no to an "omnipotent space?"

Gandolf the Blonde

Welcome to The Boar's Nest - my new abode.

The Boar's Nest isn't manly ... yet. As you can see, there is a purple orchid painted in the crotch of the ceiling with cascading vines and heart-shaped petals. But no matter, once I get my John Wayne poster up, the manliness of The Boar's Nest will increase muchly.

The Boar's Nest isn't big. It has the floor space of about twelve Honda Odysseys. There's a one-person kitchen two small bedrooms and a bathroom / shower combo. I feel like Gandolf in Bilbo's house every time I enter or exit. It's a Chinese apartment and I'm going to try to be as minimalist as possible. Oh yeah, there will be four dudes living in The Boar's Nest.

The Boar's Nest isn't not home.

CHAMELEON CITY

I really wanted an iced coffee.

Not just any iced coffee, but my go-to brand, Latte. It’s not a real latte, but kind of a Chinese blue-collar Frappucino served in a tan plastic bottle. It costs 62 cents and I thought it would be the perfect way to cool off my tongue after eating some spicy 串 (lamb kabob). Also I may or may not have sweat through my shirt. It was time to cool off.

So I walked into the little convenience store in my building and opened the refrigerator door and … no Latte. There was the Aha brand, but I loathed the Aha brand more than original sin. My two years of China living taught me that Aha leaves one’s teeth feeling mossy, plus it was too watered down. Comparing Latte and Aha is like comparing vitamin D and skim milk. I’m a Latte man.

So I retreated and went into the alley as my search become more desperate. I rounded the corner and my jaw dropped. The fruit stands and little tables that had been under the tarp canopies that morning were now just rubble. About fifty yards of stores and stands were now nothing but little piles of rubble.

I saw the Peach People, the old couple who sell me a peach every morning. The old woman wouldn’t make eye contact with me. I couldn’t tell if those were tears running down her face or little rivers of sweat. I asked the Peach Lady what happened in my choppy two-year-old Mandarin. 

"What happened? Who did this?" 

"The police. They tore it down. 

"When?" 

"This afternoon."

Silence…

"I am not happy." 

"You’re not happy because you have to get your peaches somewhere else. What about us? What do we do?" 

"Where will you go?"

"I don’t know."

It made now made sense. 

This morning I was cleaning up the Abbey (my apartment which I will be leaving tomorrow morning) and wanted to cash in on our recycled bottles that had been stockpiled since spring. So I put them in a plastic bag and went out to the alley to give them to the trash collector dude who would give me five or six kuai (about $1). As I neared the alley I saw about twenty young policemen standing at attention right in front of the trash collector dude’s cart. The older police captain was walking slowly toward the group. I thought maybe there was a training session or a police fashion show, so I just put the bag of plastic bottles by the garbage can and went back to my room where I had a mountain of emails to climb. 

Now I wish I would have stayed and watched as those policemen ripped down the tarp canopies of the alley and destroyed the fruit stands and smashed the feeble patchwork walls into a lifeless rubble.

After the Peach Lady told me what happened I walked down the alley I had walked through every day for half a year. This morning when I walked through I had to duck my head because the tarps would sag with rain water or just because they wanted to. But now there were no tarps to worry about. 

The Alley was raw China: men eating without shirts, Grannies hawking loogies on the ground, fresh cherries, strawberries and watermelons, stacks of cabbages and eggplants poking you as you walked by. There was nothing polite about the Alley. There was nothing classy about the Alley. But there was nothing wrong with the Alley. It was filled with 老百姓 – laobaixing. Which literally means, “old one hundred names.” Which actually means, “ordinary common folk.” Honest people who didn’t shower and who didn’t have a high school diploma but weren’t afraid to smile. 

Kui Feng is an alcoholic with about nine teeth. He speaks slowly and loudly. He’s a fruit vendor next door to the Peach People. Whenever Kui Feng sees me he greets me loudly and genuinely, “Ni hao pengyou!” (“Hi friend!”) He was sweeping up the remains of his fruit stand. 

"Kui Feng, ni hao." 

"Ni hao pengyou."  Said with the enthusiasm of aluminum siding...

"What happened friend?" 

"They tore it down." 

"What are you going to do?" 

"I don’t know? What is a laobaixing supposed to do?" 

I guess that’s the raw reality of living in a chameleon city. At 8:00am you’re selling peaches and at 8:00pm you have swept up your livelihood into a neat little pile. That’s China – a constant state of becoming. Always moving, always changing, never stagnant. China is the land of contradictions and change. The government decided to tear down the alley in order to make Beijing a more “harmonious society.” But in order to bring harmony they had to destroy the lives of the laobaixing selling peaches. Apparently destruction is harmony’s fullback.  

It's ironic really. The Chinese character for "raze / tear down" is 拆, "chai." The noble authorities will spray paint the character on the buildings that are on death row with red spray paint. The character is the red mark of death. Some people joke that we live in Chai-na, because it seems like everyday there's a demolition of an alley, a noodle shop, a neighborhood to pave the way for a new bank or shiny high rise apartments. 

 

I forgot about my Latte quest. I wasn’t thirsty anymore. I felt guilty. My major concern tonight was getting a certain kind of iced coffee drink. That was my number one priority. The Peach People had been selling peaches for eight years in the Alley. They were wondering where they will sleep tonight and fearful of what tomorrow might bring.

Google Translate

I just received this email from my student Stuart, who is going to be a sophomore in high school this fall. 

Stuart, I love you man but Google Translate should be your acquaintance, not your spouse. 

 

 

Hi Micah I'm Stuart.This is my mailbox.Use E-mail contact after contact.We'll miss you.There again to China to play.

 

This is I use dictionary translation of hope that you can understand

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                 Your students
                                                                                                                        Stuart

The Death of Fine

China loves the word, "fine."

If you ask a Chinese person, "How are you?" 98.97% of the time you will hear, "I am fine. And you?"

Becca and I wanted to change that in our school. Here is our attempt... 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xrh7KF-jn4s&feature=plcp

Here Comes Katniss

Katniss Everdeen is coming to the Middle Kingdom.

I still don't believe it.

Miley, one of my freshman students who knows more about American Pop Culture than I do, told me last week that The Hunger Games would come to Chinese theaters on June 14th. I didn't believe her.

The reason I didn't believe her is that China only allows 20 foreign films into their theaters every year. If they let every Hollywood film in, then the Chinese film industry would become about as profitable as a poopy-flavored lollipop factory. So the Party carefully selects which movies will make the cut.

I never thought that Katniss, Peeta, Gail, Haymitch and Greasy Sae would be making the voyage out East. I thought the Party would be petrified of this movie and its message, but I was wrong.

I am sorry Miley.
米佳

Puberty Chronicles III

Here is the third and final installment of The Puberty Chronicles. After teaching 880 Chinese eighth and ninth graders for a year I can't count the laughs or measure the awkwardness. I love this job and love these kids.

FEBRUARY

Miss Balge forgets to take her pants strap from her bike off her ankle and teaches half of first hour with her pants cinched like Aladdin.

Class 8 Sasha whips out some binoculars to see the board during class.(Chinese kids have the worst vision on earth. I'm thinking it's writing so many intricate characters for too long since they were kids. Our kids are always squinting to look at the board or stealing someone else's glasses or putting someone else's glasses on top of their own; or just getting binoculars.)

Jr. 3 Class 5 Eric beats his chest with pride after correctly figuring out what “drug induced” from “It’s A Great Day to Be Alive” meant. There was a lot of pantomiming pills, injections, and sniffing happening……

We are listed as Mr. and Mrs. Micah in someone’s notebook.

The students invent a new celebrity: Christina Perry.

Buford struggles for 5 minutes to guess his person in “guess who?”. He cries out “Oh my lady gaga!” in exasperation. His person was Lady GaGa.

We both name two different students Lavar simultaneously. It sticks and fits for one boy, the other changes his name to Batman for one week then morphs into Ali.

MARCH

Heidi in Jr. 3 Class 4 weeps in ecstasy after being assigned Avril Lavigne for her Haiku.

Linda from Class 6 is overjoyed one day because her mom is going to let her keep her cat. Turns out her mom thought it was too much of a distraction from THE TEST so she was planning on letting it go in a park.

“Today is good day to die.”- Ted’s chilling section of the knife Haiku.

“Baby, baby, oh! Oh! Baby! Baby! Oh! Oh! Baby! Baby! Oh!” – Huang’s Haiku about Justin Bieber.

Braver clasps Miss Balge’s hand with both of his to say good-morning and transmits wisdom and knowledge far beyond his years.

The time Braver used the new sign language for “I love you” to us through the cafeteria window. We didn’t know if he was French-pressing coffee or milking a cow or frying noodles in a wok.

“WHY IS HE ON MY PPT!?” –Miss Balge asks a lifeless class 4 about Jeremy Linn during Linsanity week.

Mr. Micah smashes his femur into the podium twice within the span of 2 minutes.

Here are some highlights from letters our 8th graders wrote to 3rd graders in Salt Lake City.

“I am creativity, AM NOT I?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”(Saking) 

"Classmates think I am as lovely as a rice dumpling." (Tina)

"Sometimes they really like a tiger." (Cash)

"I am not good at social intercourse. I don't have many friends. Sometimes I think I'm a 

bird which was catch in cage. I want to chill out. Please give me a hand." (Annie) 

"Mr. Muchel is my Oral English Teacher." (Marcus)

"One of my friends says I laugh as a crazy gorilla gorilla. Ha! Ha!" (Cathy)

"Do you love Katie Perry? She is my cup of tea." (Lulu)

"Holy cow! what a lovely meercat!" (Kate)

"One day I was walking and saw a cat flying in the sky, suddenly it fell in the tree. Just kidding!" (Linda)

I love everything that make me feel happy as a bubbly." (Martha)

"I like Dwight Howard. He is as strong as a cow." (Dwight)

"Let me tell you some of my hobbies. I really like thinking." (Emily)

"I like to eat all kinds of biscuits." (Charlie)

"I think time flies like arrow, just because everyday for me is substantia." (Sally)

"Maybe now China is a small bird, but it will be an eagle soon." (Mark)

"I left my photo at home because is as ugly as a pig. So I draw one." (Jimmy)

"Do you know Linsanity? Let's pray for him. Way to go Jeremy Lin." (Jack)

"Come on, boy!"

"See you later Alligait." (Jackson)

"Here's my photo, it seems like the one should under the word, WANTED. Just a joke." (Alice)

If I tell you how much homework we have you’ll open your mouth until you can put a big apple in there." (Max)

Kalvein throwing and catching the dice in Typhoon. A spectacular display of lack of coordination.

Barrett’s well-timed “You jump! I jump!” quote in class during a Titanic re-enactment.

MAY 

Class 2 Charlie is spider killing hero when one invaded from the ceiling during break-out.

Class 1 excels at Domino Effect. Highlights being when Alex filled up a water bottle and gave it to Frank who threw his head back and chugged it in under a minute. Also, Will taking off his jacket.

While playing "The Price is Right" our student Price wins!

Jack doesn’t know how to do the Y.M.C.A. dance so he just crosses himself in confusion.

Jr. 3 Class 5 Leo’s nose explosion during Sounds of the U.S.A. Two snotty stalactites were dangling for about a minute. Can I hear  a “give me a hand”??

Mr. Simple (a girl) changed her name to Cassiopeia. 

One part of our lesson involved doing jumping jacks. Keith’s looked like a cheerleader having a seizure and Ali was very provocative with a slow-motion thrusting breed of jumping jack. Jumping jacks are apparently not part of the curriculum.


Our 8th graders created their own super heroes last week. Here are a few all-stars...

Tom's Super Bian Bian Man. Literally, "Super Poop Poop Man." Tom wanted a superpower of disgusting smell. He looked like Jabba the Hut.  

Kevin's He-Phone Man:  an iPhone impersonator.

Simon's Wine Man. He meant to spell Wing Man, but it came out Wine Man. 

Peter's Two Long Absolute Being. I have no clue what was going on here.  Google Translate? 

Johnson's Johnson. Johnson loves the name Johnson so much that he named his superhero after himself. This crime fighting wolf knows no fear.

Kyle dumped water on Kevin before class. I took Kyle out in the hallway and we had a "man talk." I told him to write me a letter about how he is going to change and put it on my desk. This is what I found the next morning. 

 Teacher, I am very sorry that I did what I have done. I am very sorry. I should not have poured water on kevin. it was really wrong.  I did not mean to do it. it was a joke. I am very sorry for what I have done I could have hurt him, it was really mean. I promise I will not do it again It is not something we should do out school, It is not something we mean until I haven done it. I will change my behavior. I am sorr for what I have done, I will not do something so disorderly. I feel ashamed. I will control my anger. I will be nice and act nice to people next time and I would not ever pour water on people later in life. I really feel ashamed. I love you.

I am coming back to Beijing for one more year next August. I feel like He really wants me here for another year. I won't be teaching at my same school, I'll be studying Chinese everyday and teaching History at another smaller home school here in the Big B. I don't think it's really hit me that I'll have to say goodbye to these kids in their red and green uniforms. It won't be Christmas everyday next year. 

米佳

Epic Texts

 I never sent a text message before coming to China. 

But here, it's my major form of communication. Here are a few of the unforgettable text messages from my unforgettable friends. I wish I would have written all of them down, but here are a few I happen to copy and past for you. 

 

From my student Lilith who had a homework question and when I returned her call I received this text…

micah,I am verysorry. but I can’t answer the phone. can you receive me in massage?

From the one and only Synapse… 

going to swim, wish me have fun and not get drawn:-)

Last week I had called June’s (our extremely autistic boy, formerly known as David / Father Christmas) mom and told her that June needs glasses. Here’s the text she sent me on Sunday morning...

Dear Micar, thank you very much for your help to June. Tomorrow he will wear his glasses to school. Your’s sincerely. June’ parents. 

After Jacob, his sister, Paris and I had an amazing buffet dinner at Jacob's sister's hotel…

大米, I just want you to know that u r the one that no one equal among my friends to me.

Frank sent me this text in early April…

Micah, I have been asked to join the communist party. Is it right for a Christian to do? I am not sure. Please call me. 

My friend Dirty Dog slept over after we went to see The Avengers. He left me some milk for breakfast, but at 3:22pm I received this urgent message...

The milk is expired, pls donot drink man :)

The Abbey

 I love the Abbey.

Our new apartment is on the 17th floor, so there's an amazing view of the western edge of the Big B.

Well, it's amazing on a clear day, but Old Man Smog has a way of blackening lungs, eliminating a need for sunglasses and making you feel like your suffocating in an eternal fart.

But I guess that's life, some days are bright and clear and some days are foggy and farty.

But the cool thing is that the Ancient of Days isn't like the air quality in Beijing or our emotions or Super Bowl Champions.

He don't change. Numbers 23:19.

米佳

Chinglish of the Week

No caption needed.